(Post 3A in a series. Click here to read from the beginning.)
The first thing one needs to understand is that even though you KNOW (intellectually or even logically) that you are not actually in danger of your life, the pre-frontal cortex (the logical you) and the amygdala (the subconscious alarm bell) don’t speak the same language.
The “logical you” speaks in facts and data. Your subconscious speaks in the language of Sensations (primarily), but also in Images, Affect (feelings and emotions), Behavior (movements) and Meanings.
For example: “logical you” knows that you are merely setting a healthy boundary, but your sub-conscious VERY QUICKLY jumps to: If I say “no,” I will be “cast out of the tribe” and I could die! “I will be abandoned. The person will leave me forever.” Alarm bells go off!
“Logical you” knows that you are merely going on a short road trip with a friend. Your subconscious though, may VERY QUICKLY jump to “too much unpredictability” . . . “There are just too many unknowns.” “That’s unchartered territory. Anything could happen. “BAD IDEA!” Alarm bells go off!
“Logical you” knows that you are simply having lunch with a trusted friend, but your subconscious very quickly might jump to: “You are making yourself vulnerable. You cannot know what the person will do or say. You cannot know how that person might respond to anything YOU do or say. That vulnerability, and unpredictably sounds like a VERY bad idea!” Alarm bells go off!
So how can we bridge the gap?
Think “re-assurance” rather than “resistance.”
Think “self-compassion” rather than “self-judgement.”
When you resist, your subconscious just screams louder! Resistance, to the subconscious, is often a well-intentioned attempt to “fix” or “stop” a feeling. When your stress control mechanism is in overdrive (despite the lack of any real threat) resistance acts like a second layer of stress on top of the original surge. Instead of letting the energy move through you, resistance creates a “squeezing” that traps the energy.
Something similar happens when you judge yourself for what you are experiencing in the moment. You “know logically” that there is no tiger chasing you, but your subconscious has set off the alarm bell nonetheless.
When the brain’s stress control mechanism – specifically the amygdala and the HPA axis – is in overdrive (without any external threat triggering it) it creates a state of “free-floating” physiological arousal. If you add a layer of self-judgement on top of that state, the subconscious interprets that as a secondary attack.
The subconscious cannot distinguish between a predator in the woods and a harsh internal critic. When you judge yourself for being stressed . . . when you ask: Why am I reacting like this? Or, when you say to yourself: “I should be stronger,” the subconscious interprets these thoughts as social rejection or internal aggression (anger turned inward).
This triggers a secondary stress response. Instead of calming down, the body release more cortisol because it now perceives a threat coming from “inside the house.”
Furthermore, the subconscious, thrives on internal congruency. When the body is screaming “danger” (due to the overdrive) but the conscious mind is saying “you are failing” or “you are bad” for feeling this, a state of cognitive dissonance occurs.
The subconscious may attempt to “protect” you by distancing you from the incongruency. This often manifests as dissociation, brain fog, or emotional numbing. It is an emergency shut-down because the system cannot handle being both the victim and the aggressor simultaneously.
Next, self judgement provides a “logic” for the physiological stress. The subconscious is a pattern – matching machine; if it experiences a burst of cortisol, it looks for a reason why. If there, is in fact, no external threat, and you start judging yourself, the subconscious “tags” YOU as the threat. This reinforces a neural pathway where Self = Danger making the stress mechanism even more hyper-reactive in the future.
Now, to escape the double bind of physiological stress and mental judgement, the subconscious often triggers habitual safety behaviors in order to distract. This can look like, for example:
Procrastination: Avoiding the “judging mind” by simply putting your mind on something else . . . an easier and more enjoyable task for example.
Dissociating: Avoiding the “judging mind” by disconnecting from yourself — checking out.
Hyper-vigilance: Scanning the environment even harder to find an external reason for the internal feeling.
Distancing Behavior: Pulling away from others to avoid the perceived “shame” the judgement has created.
